Donald Trump’s dream team: Musk, Orbán and Farage (2024)

Paul Dallison writesDeclassified, a weekly satirical column.

It appears that we can add another item to the list of Donald Trump’s hobbies (which currently stands at golf and cheeseburgers): Vintage superhero comic books.

Trump is clearly a fan of mid-1970s DC Comics title Secret Society of Super Villains, in which a bunch of baddies battled the Justice League of America.

How else to explain him offering a job to Elon Musk, who once live-tweeted himself taking a sh*t and now regularly posts excrement on the social media platform he owns.

“He’s a very smart guy,” Trump said of Musk. “I certainly would [offer him a job], if he would do it, I certainly would. He’s a brilliant guy,” Trump added.

But who else could be in the next Trump top team? Here are some suggestions.

Vice-President

JD Vance

Who?
Ohio senator and author of the memoir “Hillbilly Elegy.” Definitely did not have sex with a couch.

Qualifications for the job
Not Trump.
Could expand role to include Secretary of the Interior(s).

One good reason not to get the job
Poor relations with upholsterers.

Secretary of State

Viktor Orbán

Who?
Prime minister of Hungary and perpetual pain in the rear end for European centrists. Would-be bringer of world peace. Once adopted a rhinoceros.

Qualifications for the job
Gets on well with Vladimir Putin and Xi Jinping.
Wears his ties too long.
Already has a MAGA hat.

One good reason not to get the job
Poor relations with Europe.

Secretary of Health

Robert F. Kennedy Jr.

Who?
A member of perhaps the most famous political dynasty in the U.S. (his uncle was John F. Kennedy). Running as an independent candidate in the election. Married to “Curb Your Enthusiam” star Cheryl Hines.

Qualifications for the job
Like Trump, comes from money and used to hang out with Jeffrey Epstein.
Could expand job to include animal health after admitting that he once dumped a dead bear cub in New York City’s Central Park and staged the scene to make it look like a bicyclist had run over the creature.
Doesn’t believe that vaccines work, so could save a lot of money during future pandemics by just ignoring them.
Once had a health problem that he said “was caused by a worm that got into my brain and ate a portion of it and then died.”

One good reason not to get the job
The worm would have a better grasp on health policy.

Ambassador to the United Nations

Tucker Carlson

Who?
Angry-looking man-boy. Alleged journalist (insert your own pot-calling-kettle-black joke here). Made the bow-tie look even less cool.

Qualifications for the job
Knows Vladimir Putin.
Could unite warring nations by being so irritating that they forget all about their own problems and focus on hating him instead.

One good reason not to get the job
Once texted a colleague the following message: “I hate him passionately.” He was talking about Trump.

Attorney General

Rudy Giuliani

Who?
Former mayor of New York. Appeared in aSacha Baron Cohenmoviewith his hands down his pants.

Qualifications for the job
An actual lawyer (no, really).
Could save money by moving the Office of the Attorney General from 950 Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington to Four Seasons Total Landscaping in Philadelphia.
Once appeared in public with what looked like hair dye dripping down the side of his face, which could distract attention from Trump’s own hair-based disaster.

One good reason not to get the job
Was disbarred after making false claims following the 2020 election.

Secretary of Labor

Elon Musk

Who?
Space Karen.

Qualifications for the job
Owns a lot of successful companies — and X.
Strong social media presence.
Thinks workers should be “extremely hardcore.”

One good reason not to get the job
Could get into an ego battle with Trump as both have their own fragrance. Musk (who really should have a perfume with a surname like that) has a scent called “Burnt Hair” (which probably smells of testosterone and tears), while Trump has Victory 47, described by Adam Kinzinger, a former Republican lawmaker, as smelling like “armpits, ketchup, a butt and makeup.”

Rose Garden gardener

Nigel Farage

Who?
Trump sycophant. British member of parliament for Clacton (no, really). Milkshake enthusiast. Once beaten in an election by a man in a dolphin costume.

Qualifications for the job
Desperate to be near Trump (and as far away from the day job as possible).
Once posted an online video in which he was duped into saying “Up the ’Ra!”, a reference to the Irish Republican Army, which has the same initials as the U.S.’s Inflation Reduction Act.

One good reason not to get the job
Earns too much money in the U.K. (plus America has worse beer).